Mac is Stuck in the Closet
by Comp450
Summary: Mac is in the closet, and it's up to Charlie and Dee to get him out. Turns out that in times of trouble, the three of them can get through a lot.


_2 p.m., on a Thursday_

_Philadelphia, USA_

"This seems really stupid, Mac," Dee said, stepping over a pile of sharp plaster wall.

"Shut up, Dee, you've said that three times."

"Yeah, why are you even here, Dee?" Charlie asked, throwing aside a few 2x4s stacked against the wall.

Dee narrowly missed stepping on an exposed nail as she tried to keep up with Mac and Charlie. Open toed shoes were not the best idea for a trip to an abandoned building. "To make sure you idiots don't kill yourselves," she responded. "Can we just get the copper and leave?"

"That's what we're _doing_," Mac said, "if you would actually help us look, we'd be done a lot faster."

"I don't even know what I'm looking for! I've never snuck into a building and stripped copper wiring before."

"Oh, we're sorry, we forgot what a _privileged_ life you've led," Charlie retorted with a scoff.

"Hey, a utility closet, that's a start," Mac said, walking over to a small door on the far side of the room. He opened the door and a cloud of dust blew out. "Oh yeah, this could be it."

Dee stepped carefully closer to the little room to get a look. Inside was a mess, with wood and plaster piled up to the ceiling. Mac had started moving the debris aside, trying to get to the back wall. "Oh god, be careful," Dee said in spite of herself.

Mac stopped to turn to Dee and Charlie and hold up his hand. "Don't worry, guys, I am an expert at assessing risk, and I have assessed that this is a situation I can handle." He turned back and grabbed a beam of wood that was wedged vertically between the floor and ceiling, and after a few tugs wrenched it out.

The ceiling began to sag almost immediately, and when Dee looked up she saw the rotted wood stump that had once been the top of what must have actually been a supporting beam before Mac pulled it out. "Jesus, look out!" she yelled, pushing Charlie back and running to grab Mac, who seemed to be oblivious to what he had done.

Before she got there the ceiling collapsed over Mac in another wave of dust, and then the ceiling in the rest of building started to cave in, and Dee got a glimpse of a sharp piece of ceiling tile before it hit her in the side of the head.

_**Mac is Stuck in the Closet**_

_An It's Always Sunny Fan Fiction_

_By Comp450_

When Dee came to, she figured she must have been out for a grand total of about ten seconds, since the walls and ceilings had settled but the dust had not. She coughed and pushed her upper body away from the floor, dumping pieces of the building off of her. She looked up and could see the roof of the building still in place, as well as the outer walls. Two floors worth of ceiling and interior wall had collapsed.

She saw a Charlie-shaped debris pile a few meters away, and after pulling her legs out from under a pipe-which may have been made from a copper alloy, she thought-crawled over and shoved some ceiling away.

Charlie was lying unconscious underneath, so Dee continued pushing the material off until he was relatively unexposed.

"Come on, Charlie," she said, shaking his shoulders. "We need you here." And it was true; Charlie was the only one who might know how to get out. His head just sort of shook back and forth as she shook him, so she set him down and slapped him across the face.

That woke him up. Charlie sat up with a start, coughing the dust out of his lungs. "What the hell?" he asked the room. "How long was I out?"

"I don't know, maybe a minute?" Dee estimated, but she was already crawling over the rubble back to where she thought the utility closet had been. Amazingly, the walls around the closet were mostly intact, although the door had fallen off the hinges and the ceiling was gone. "Mac!" Dee yelled, "Where the hell are you?"

Charlie joined her, and the two started throwing aside the ceiling tiles that covered the entrance of the once-closet.

They heard a groan, so they focused their efforts on its location and uncovered Mac's face.

"Goddammit, Mac," Dee said when she saw he was breathing. "Why did you pull out the goddamn support beam?"

"What?" Mac asked, eyes rolling around to take in his surroundings. "What's going on?"

"He's got amnesia!" Charlie concluded. "Mac, what's your name?"

"He's just disoriented," Dee said, "Help me get him out and we'll get the hell out of here."

After throwing away enough rubble to expose his arms and torso, Charlie grabbed Mac under the arms and started trying to pull him out. Mac started yelling. "Shit! Stop! There's something in my leg!"

"What do you mean _in_ your leg?" Dee asked.

"I've been impaled!" Mac said, "Oh shit, oh shit, I'm going to lose my leg!"

"We'll just have to take out the rubble the slow way," Dee said to Charlie, "instead of pulling him out."

"Uh-uh," Charlie said, "I'm not moving anything else, it'll just drive whatever's in Mac's leg deeper."

Dee looked at the collapsed closet and decided Charlie was right. Who knew what the internal structure of the pile was, and how it would change if they tried to interfere?

"The stairs are blocked, too. We can climb down the fire escape ladder," Charlie suggested. "Call in an anonymous tip to the fire department."

"Charlie, a building just collapsed on me, I don't feel safe doing any climbing."

Charlie stood up, but after a second put a hand on his head and closed his eyes, then sat back down. "Shit, you're right," he said.

Dee reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. "Oh thank god," she said, "it's still intact. Charlie, help me get to the window, I might get better service there." Charlie and Dee stood up and leaned on each other to the nearest outer wall, where Dee managed to pull the window open and lean out.

They were on the third story, and looking down made Dee's head pound and she felt dizzy. She tried to keep her eyes on her phone as she dialed 911.

"_Hello, 911, what is your emergency?_"

"Hi, um, yeah, me and my friends were exploring this old building and the ceiling fell in on us."

"_What is your location?_"

Dee held her thumb over the mouthpiece and leaned back into the building to talk to Charlie, who was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. "Shit, Charlie, where are we?"

"I don't know, dude, we were just driving around and this place looked good. I didn't pay attention to where we were."

Dee looked back out the window. She couldn't read the street signs from where they were. "I don't know the address," she told the operator, "but there's a cemetery across the street. And I think a Pizza Hut next door, also abandoned."

"_OK, we're working on locating you, can you stay on the line? We'll send someone to get you and your friends out as soon as we've found you._"

"Yeah…" Dee said, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. She felt nauseated. "Send paramedics, too, one of us is stuck and might have something in his leg. I'm going to go back to him now, the connection might get a little spotty."

She and Charlie made their way back to Mac, who had passed out again. "Mac," Charlie said, grabbing onto his head. "Don't fall asleep on me, bro."

Mac's eyes fluttered open. "It's OK," he said softly, "gonna make a great Project Badass, right?"

"_We've pinpointed your GPS location, miss,_" Dee heard the operator say, so she pulled the phone back up to her ear. "_What is the exact condition of you and your friends?_"

Dee sat down next to Mac and rested her back against the outside of the closet wall. "Mac is stuck under a pile of building," she explained, "and when we tried to pull him out he started screaming and said there's something impaled in his leg. He isn't entirely lucid, I'm not sure he knows where he is. Charlie and I are both kind of able to walk, but we're dizzy."

"And your head's bleeding," Charlie pointed out.

Dee touched her hand to her head where the first tile had hit her, and sure enough there was a little bit of blood on her fingertips when she looked. "And my head's bleeding," she told the operator.

"_It sounds like you all have concussions,_" the operator explained, "_I need you all to stay awake, especially the one under the rubble, keep each other talking._"

"OK," Dee said, already feeling herself drift off before she shook herself awake. "What else?"

"_Keep your wound…touch…dust or…_" the connection started to break away.

"Hello?" Dee shook the phone a few times before talking again. "If you can hear me, we're still kind of OK, but the service is cutting out."

"_Don't…authorities…_"

"I'm going to hang up now," Dee said, and she did. She didn't feel up to walking back to the window.

Charlie was still holding Mac's head, although he was now sitting so that it was in his lap.

"We need to keep him awake," Dee said, leaning her head against the wall to steady some of her dizziness. "Us, too."

"What are we supposed to do?" Charlie asked, "Walk over to the Starbucks and buy him a mocha light vanilla swirl?"

"Keep him talking, butt-rub." She searched her brain to find something that Mac might want to talk about more than fall asleep. "Mac, tell me about Project Badass."

Mac's eyes were closed but he responded to the question. "Oh, you know. I do a lot of cool stunts and show off my moves."

"Like strapping firecrackers to your arms and falling off a bike ramp?"

Mac smiled and turned his head to look at Dee. "That was my favorite."

"Why did you start these?"

"Dennis said I wasn't badass."

"Yeah, I remember that," Charlie said. "Dennis can usually do more pushups so Mac said he was more badass otherwise."

"And Dennis said I had to prove it. Thus began 'Project Badass.' Best decision of my life."

An idea occurred to Dee. "Tell me something about Dennis."

"What about him?"

Dee shifted around so she was sitting cross-legged facing Mac and Charlie. "You spend more time with him than I do now, tell me some dirt on him." Mac seemed a little loopier than usual, and she was not going to throw away this opportunity.

Mac was quiet for a few seconds. Dee noticed Charlie was running his fingers through his hair. "He's destroyed some of his sex tapes," Mac finally said.

"What! Why?"

Mac shrugged. "I don't know for sure, but they're always professionals. The girls, I mean. Dressed in really tight clothes and carrying duffel bags when they arrive."

"Dennis hires hookers?" Charlie asked.

"I don't think they're hookers exactly," Mac said, shaking his head. "I can hear them talking, and Dennis always makes some pretty sexy noises, but the girls just yell at him. A few days later he burns a tape in a barrel outside the building."

"Oh my god, he's hiring girls to beat him up!" Dee yelled in an almost high-pitched voice. "Remember his nervous breakdown at the class reunion?"

Charlie started laughing with Dee, but Mac just furrowed his eyebrows. "I don't know why I told you that. Look, don't tell Dennis you know, OK?"

"I'm not gonna tell him," Dee said, "not until I need to blackmail him."

Mac nodded seriously. "That's fair," he said. Dee didn't know if he meant that or if it was just the concussion talking. Anyway, it was Dennis's fault for trusting Mac, or those girls.

The rubble shifted slightly, and Mac started yelling again. "Oh god, I'm gonna die!" He tried pushing the material over his hips off, but gave up after a few seconds and settled his head back into Charlie's lap, breathing hard.

"You're not going to die, Mac," Dee said, as confidently as she could.

Charlie's hand was on Mac's forehead. "He's feeling a little clammy," he said to Dee quietly. He didn't need to tell her, Dee could see the sweat on Mac's face from where she was sitting a few feet away. This could be bad.

The pain seemed to have shocked Mac more awake, anyway, so the group sat in silence for a minute, Charlie running his fingers through Mac's hair and Dee leaning back again against the wall. Dee broke the silence by asking Charlie, "what is it you're doing to Mac's head, Charlie?"

Charlie shrugged, keeping his eyes on Mac who was looking at the rubble pile on top of him. "Just something my mom would do for me when I was sick," he explained. "I do it for Frank sometimes, too, if he ate too much cat food."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Dee asked. The first part had been sweet, until Charlie brought up Frank.

"I'm going to die," Mac said again, interrupting.

"Goddammit, Mac, you're not going to die," Dee said, "the paramedics will be here any minute and we'll all be able to convince Frank and Dennis to give us the day off." She actually wasn't sure if the last two parts were true; she had no idea how far away the nearest hospital was and she didn't know Frank or Dennis to be all that merciful.

Mac didn't seem to have heard her, or at least didn't think it was very important. "I'm going to die a virgin," he said softly.

Dee just laughed. "Mac, you are not a virgin," she said. "Please don't make me remind you that you banged my mother."

"Well, I'm going to die before I find true love, anyway," he said, staring up at the ceiling. Arms crossed and pouting.

"Jesus Christ, are you a Disney princess now?"

"I want you guys to pray for me every day after I'm gone," Mac said, looking up at Charlie now. "I'm going to need it in hell."

"What? Who says you're going to hell?" Charlie asked.

"Well, we're all going to hell," Mac said, "just for different reasons. You're going for your illiteracy because you can't read the Bible, Dee for baring a child out of wedlock, Dennis for his promiscuity, and Frank because he's rich. 'It's easier to shove a camel into a needle than it is for a rich guy not to go to hell.' I'm just glad I'm going first so you guys can pray for me and I can spend a little more time in purgatory before descending into the depths for all eternity."

"Oh, hell, no," Dee said, "not after that. That child _was_ in wedlock, just not my wedlock."

Mac glared at her. "You were impregnated by my girlfriend's sperm, Dee."

"I didn't have _sex_ with her!" she yelled, "It wasn't even my egg!"

"What about you, Mac?" Charlie asked.

Mac looked at him again. "What?" Dee was confused, too, it sounded as if Charlie had asked if Mac had also been impregnated by Carmen.

"Why are you going to hell?"

"Charlie, shut up," Dee said. She knew what Mac's reasoning was, and she knew Charlie knew it, too, and this wasn't something that should be discussed on what Mac thought was his deathbed. But they ignored her.

Mac sighed. "I guess I should tell you, so you know what to pray for. Although I don't know if it'll work, since I've been praying every day and it hasn't changed anything." Mac was staring straight ahead again, and his breathing seemed to have picked up. He was nervous. Dee and Charlie waited patiently. "Look, guys, please don't let this change your opinion of Project Badass, but…" he paused again. Dee noticed a flush crawling up his neck. "…I like men, in a way a man should not."

Dee felt like laughing. The whole situation was so pathetic-coming out in an abandoned building while everyone present had a concussion-but she could tell that it was really stressing Mac out, so she stayed quiet.

"OK," Charlie said after a few seconds. It would have been so easy for either him or Dee to say "I know," or "about time," but Charlie had chosen the best thing to say, just "OK."

"Oh god," Mac said, covering his face with his hands. "I'm so, so sorry, guys."

"Mac…" Dee struggled to find the words, "look, it doesn't change anything, OK? We'll all get out of here, and go back to work at the bar, and you and Charlie will throw rocks at trains and you and I will go back to hating each other, OK?"

Mac uncovered his face and looked at her. "Dee, I only hate you because you remind me of what I am. You're a beautiful woman, and I have to be around you all the time, and you keep reminding me that I don't like hot girls and I'll never be _normal_."

Charlie and Dee looked at each other. Charlie mouthed _shit_. Mac really thought he was going to die.

Dee reached out and grabbed one of Mac's hands. He took it. "Mac, you _aren't_ normal, you're a weird, disturbed freak, but it's not because you're gay. Dennis is straight and he's ten times as disturbed as you are. And it isn't because he likes to be tied up and hit by strange women, either."

Mac laughed and looked at the ceiling again. "Dennis. I wish I could have told him."

"He knows, dude," Charlie said. "You've tried to kiss him a few times."

Mac scrunched his face up a little. He had forgotten. "Oh yeah. Well, it's good that he knows. Now I can die knowing the only reason we never got together is because he doesn't like me. I don't have to regret never making a move."

"You only like Dennis because you spend so much time with him," said Dee. "Trust me, now that you're comfortable with yourself you'll meet guys more your type."

"Dennis is _hardly_ a beefcake," Charlie agreed.

Mac laughed. "You guys are great. Just for that I'll put in a good word with Satan for you when I meet him."

"Come on, Mac…"

"OK, Dee, just let me get out of here, and we'll finish up this episode of Project Badass and you and I will go out on the town and visit Carmen and your baby."

"What are you talking about? Mac, if you move you're going to knock something down!"

"If you'll just give me a hand here, Charlie…" Charlie held up his hands in refusal, but Mac was already trying to wriggle out from the pile. "_Shit_, my leg hurts, what the hell?"

"Mac, for the love of god!" A few tiles fell from the top of the rubble and knocked down a lot more on their way, covering Mac again, and Charlie's lap. "_Shit_!" Dee yelled, crawling over quickly and helping Charlie push the debris aside.

Mac was unconscious, but it was probably out of exhaustion. There weren't any more cuts or bruises on his head and face.

"Oh god, wake up, Mac, you're not allowed to freaking die today!" She slapped him and Mac groaned but didn't open his eyes. "Charlie, wake him up!"

"I don't know what to do!" Charlie yelled.

"I don't either! But do _something_! Hit him! Put pressure on his temples! _Lick him_."

"That might make it worse!"

"Oh _god_," Dee put her hands on her temples and stared at Mac. What if he didn't wake up?

A soft wailing sound made its way to their ears, and she and Charlie both looked up. It was a siren, and as they waited it got louder until it was right outside the building.

"Oh my god, it's the firemen!" Dee yelled, shaking Charlie by the shoulders. "Charlie, stay here, stay with Mac!"

She scrambled to her feet, and stumbled, but managed to half-run half-crawl to the window where she had heard the siren. Outside was a fire truck, siren off but lights still flashing, and a few firefighters walking to the door of the building.

"We're up here!" Dee called to the men below her. When they looked up, she waved. "The stairs are blocked up here, do you have a ladder? Or, like, a crane? My friend is hurt really bad!"

One of the firemen waved at the others, who ran back and started the ladder on the back of the truck. "Stay put!" He yelled. "We'll have you guys out soon!"

Ooo

Charlie and Dee were sitting in the hospital waiting room an hour later, heads in their hands. After it was discovered they didn't have any way to pay for their healthcare, they were ushered out of their rooms and left to wait until Mac was stable enough for the hospital to be able to legally kick him out. They were both deemed fit enough to return home, although they were still dizzy and concussed. Dee had a bandage over her temple, covering the cut she had gotten from the initial collapse.

After a half hour of them sitting quietly, Dee trying to think about anything other than her nausea and the desire to pass out, Dennis walked into the waiting room.

"What the hell guys?"

"Screw you, Dennis, why are you here?" Dee asked.

"I got a call from the goddamn hospital, is why. Said you all can't drive? What the hell happened?"

"Mac knocked a building down on top of us," Charlie explained. "We've got concussions."

"Jesus Christ, a _building_? Why didn't you call me?"

"To be honest, I didn't think you'd care," Dee answered.

Dennis threw up his hands. "What? Dee, three of the four people I talk to on a regular business could have _died_, I expect a goddamn phone call."

Dee pulled her legs up and crossed her arms over them. "You can just meet new people," she muttered.

"Yeah, but…" Dennis sighed. "I actually like you guys, it would be a pain to try to like someone new."

"Why don't you ever tell us that?"

"Tell you what? That I don't want to meet anyone?"

"Why don't you ever tell us that you like us?" Dee asked.

Dennis actually drew back just an inch and didn't respond right away. "Why should I?" he finally asked. "You all seem to be tolerable without me having to throw you little bits of praise." He looked around. "Did Mac go home already?"

"Mac's worse than us," Charlie said, "he's got a metal rod through his leg!"

"_What_?"

"It's only a half centimeter wide," Dee reassured him. "It didn't hit any bone and went in pretty clean. It's out now but they've got to give him a tetanus shot."

"Oh my god," Dennis said softly. "Where is he?"

Dee rolled her eyes. "He's in the room at the end of the hall."

Dennis walked off in that direction immediately, leaving her and Charlie alone again.

After a few seconds, Charlie turned to her. "You were pretty brave today," he said.

"What do you mean?" Dee kept her legs curled up in front of her and stared straight ahead.

"Keeping me and Mac calm and alive, calling 911. If it were just me I would have bolted."

"And you would have tripped out of the window and fallen to your death."

Charlie nodded. "Probably." They were quiet again until he continued, "and you pushed me out of the way, and tried to get Mac when the ceiling collapsed. That was _really_ brave, Dee. Especially because we treat you like crap."

Dee smiled a little but didn't look at him. "I guess it was just the adrenaline. It's not like I even managed to push you to safety, anyway, you're almost as beat up as I am." After a few seconds, Dee grabbed Charlie's hand. He started, but didn't pull away. It just felt good to have a little human contact.

"Mac was pretty out of it at the end there, huh?" Charlie asked. "I wonder how much he remembers."

Dee sighed. "I hope not a lot. Mac takes everything to extremes, and to be honest I think it might better if he stays in the closet a little longer."

"Dee, he almost died in there."

Dee laughed. "Not the closet that fell down. I mean I think it might be better if he believes we don't know he's gay. Just so that he can tell us again, when he wants to and not when he thinks he's going to die."

"Should we tell Dennis he told us?"

"Screw that, we might be able to use it against him sometime."

_**The End**_


End file.
